Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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