i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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