I didn't shave. On purpose
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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