i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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