As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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