She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I need to align my fucking chakras
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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