I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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