we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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