I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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