Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
