You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
