I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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