I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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