I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
