i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm at about main and main street
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
