Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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