You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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