dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
