My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
