I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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