A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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