How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
