I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
