yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You may now shotgun with the bride
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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