Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
