yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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