he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
