I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
