Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
