I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
