I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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