I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
