thus making me awesome and them whores
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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