My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
