I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
