your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
