i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
