FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
