Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
