Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
