this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
