oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
