the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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