She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
