Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
