i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
