Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
