I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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