Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
