I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
